GlamRock 2008

It was another fantastic Christmas party at Chase. The theme was GLAMROCK, so I decided to be at the edge of it or even higher to what is expected. I don't know what will be their reaction upon seeing my whole ensemble. Anyway, it was a big success, my friends and I decided not to go on with the common looks, we were excited and obviously very happy with the outcome.

Who I'd like to meet ....

I wish I had someone that loved me Someone that would miss me If I disappeared. That would mean everything. But that person doesn't exist. If they do, I'd love to meet them. They would be one in a million. They would always mean something to me

About me...

Am I so naive That I wouldn't realize I was falling in love With you? I spend sleepless nights Thinking of you And wonder why We are not together. I love you... Or am I too naive To understand What love is? All I know Is that you confuse me. You turn me upside-down. You make me feel inside out. It scares me To feel this naked. I feel exposed Around you. You're not like Everyone else You don't settle For a cheap facade. Am I so naive That it has taken me This long to realize How deeply you've touched me?

Two Christmases ago

Finally, after two Christmases I have seen him again... I don't know if its coincidence but I guess its called Destiny.

I met him December 2006, before Christmas, he was introduced to me by one of my friends. At first, I was cool and excited because he was good looking. We dated a couple of times but I was disappointed because he was lavishly asking for material things.

For someone like me, who is always considering the matters of the heart than the urge of the body, I gave in easily not asking for anything in return except for LOVE. But we stopped dating, thanks to Globe Simcard, it got blocked.

Then came in fourth Saturday of July 2008, I saw him again. I felt the same thing the first time I saw him. But he did not change, he was still the same old person, same thinking with gays.

I am happy but empty inside....

Is it over?

Where is he? Is it really over for the two of us?

I have been constantly texting and calling him but still no response, even a simple text that we are over. I'm just here , left hanging, no closure. I wish I was a robot or had this time machine where I can use so I can easily move on. But I guess I'm just a human being that needs to deal with this kind of pain. Every teardrop that I cry , every aches of my heart, reminds me that I'm alone again.....

Hold me in your arms

The morning sunlight, moves gently on our bed Sounds of distant traffic, float into my head Eyes slowly open and words won't be enough But what is left unspoken burns softly in your touch

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

Time moves without us, this room will be untouched We're safe beneath the truth now Both safe within this love

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

And oh the heart in me Feels more than you can see I can't get close enough Every single day, is ours to feel this way I can't get close enough, never close enough ...

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

Sacrifice

Someone told me that I have never loved him that much, that I never exerted effort, which I easily gave up not fighting for my feelings. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but surely it hit me.

“It’s better to have nobody than somebody who is half mine, half there or doesn’t want to be there, or is there and then suddenly disappears. The only people that I need in my life are the ones who prove that they need me in theirs too.”

I came to realize that I love him so much. But I don’t want to fight alone.

“Sometimes, I think I'm part of someone else life. I share things with them, spend time with them, and gather good or perhaps great memories with them, then suddenly they will show you that no matter how much you want them to be part of you, it cannot happen. Inspite of what you’ve been thru together, you’ll realize that you’re still strangers. As you always have been…..

As of now

Right now I don’t know where I stand in his life. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just shut off this feeling, I wanted to look for someone else who will be there for me, and I wanted to kill this heart.

It is starting all over again, the same feelings, the same premonition that they just love me for materials things. They just love me for the things that I can give to them, but what about mine. I know love shouldn’t be selfish, that it’s better to give than to receive, but I also have needs, I wanted to have someone that will think that I am his everything, that I am special.

Queer as Folk - Country Manor

Justin : What changed your mind?
Brian : I finally think of one good reason
Justin : And what is that?
Brian : To prove to the person I love how much I love him , that I would give him anything, do anything , be anything, to make him happy.
Justin : You're fucking unbelievable, you bought this, you bought this palace.
Brian : Its for my prince. I also sold the loft and bar.
Justin: Without knowing my answer would be
Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.
Justin: You really meant it.
Brian: I've never meant anything more
Justin : Ok
Brian : Ok what
Justin : Lets do it
Brian : Say it.
Justin: Yes
Brian: Yes what
Justin: Yes I will marry you , I will marry you.
Brian and Justin kissed and hugged. Brian slightly took off his head.....
Justin: Don't tell me you're thinking twice.
Brian: Not one.
Brian and Justin made love full of emotions.

Queer as Folk - Bomb attack at Babylon

Brian took off from his car seeing lots people who were hurt by the incident ...while checking the site
Brian : Jennifer , Jennifer are you ok?
Jennifer (mom of Justin): Justin still inside, you gotta find him
Brian ran quickly inside the bombed Babylon

Brian shouted : Justin .... Justin

Brian seeing Ted : Ted , what the fucked happened here?
Ted: I don't know
Brian : Have you seen Justin ?
Ted: No.
Then someone from the other side is shouting and helping other people to get out of the place
Then Brian saw Justin - Hugged each other
Brian : Are you ok
Justin : Just slight bruised , Have you seen my mother.
Brian : Yeah she's outside looking for you.
Then Emmett came in
Emmett: Thank God you're Ok
Brian: Have you seen Michael
Justin : Emmett
Emmett: No.
They came out of Babylon seeing Michael badly hurt .. went to hospital while Justin stayed to help other victim.
Back to the love story of Brian and Justin and back at Babylon ... Brian returned to Babylon again to check out Justin............
Justin : Is Michael gonna be fine?
Brian : They don't know yet...
Brian hugged Justin....
Brian: The minute I knew it. I've been calling your cellphone but you didn't answer
Brian somehow crying and uttered the words " I was so fucking scared, all I can think was . ...PLEASE DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HIM"
Brian hugged Justin and whispered : "I LOVE YOU"
Justin was amazed . and Brian again said " I LOVE YOU"
Brian and Justin hugged and kissed.

Queer as Folk - US version

I must admit that I was somehow lost in the trend of gay stories, when I finally get the chance to watch Queer as Folk series, it help me realize that every human in this world is different and has different stories to tell.

I really admire the love story of Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor. For not it only shows the true meaning of patience but shows true love. True love really exists and evolves. I was struck by the lines of Justin to Brian that “we don’t need rings or vows just to prove that we love each other, because we did”. It made me somehow think that as long as you have each other, supporting each other's flaws, that both of you believed and destined to become one without sacrificing one's characteristics, then I guess nothing else is important.

Reality Check

I’m 28 years old and somehow happy. I have a boyfriend named Michael who is 3 years younger than I am. I met him in a bar while dancing hip hop together with his troop. The first time that we met was really awkward because it was just a tease to one of my friends that I like him. My friend immediately called the manager to let Michael sit with us. We exchanged names and of course I used a different name for I know that I won’t go back to that bar again. There was a KISS and had a time for small chitchats about ourselves. Before going home, we exchanged numbers not knowing that it will be a start of my new and second relationship.

I called him 3 days after I met him at the phone number he gave me. At first I was kind of nervous, feeling like a first timer calling a guy. We talked and he invited me on his birthday celebration on May 5, 2008, but his birthday was May 2, 2008. My response was “YES, I’ll go to your birthday party” without any hesitation at all.

I went to their house and I was grateful that I was accompanied by my friend since I might feel like a shy leaf since I’m totally new on his place and didn’t know everyone. Things happened real fast, when asked by my friend if we are already committed he just immediately answered yes and it’s up to me whether to accept or decline it. I don’t know if this kind of situation is true or not because I really don’t know him that well or maybe he was just drunk at that time. But for someone like me, someone who is in love with love, I would definitely say yes, who would refuse an attractive guy asking a gay man for a relationship.

I could say that I was really happy at that moment and contented with him. But here I am again feeling all alone in the relationship, feeling that I am being taken for granted for he knows how much I love him and I cannot deny the fact that I’m somewhat scared of losing someone again in my life.

“Why do people have to lose things to find out what they really mean?”

First Time

I remember the first time that I ever hooked up with someone, it was a total disaster not only that he was self centered but it was a mess having him in my life. This was a part of my life that I thought I would never survive but I did.

Someone asked me that I’m still having bitterness over him, still having this angst towards him, I would be lying to myself if I’m not. It has been a long time that after 21 years, a guy asked me to be with him, who would say no to that after those years I’ve waited.

At first, it was all nice and everything was in order as I’ve always wanted. Things ruined when he courted one of my girl friends, me not knowing that they were going steady while we were still on. I was in shocked and got very depressed of the situation of the guy choosing the girl instead of me. The guy made me feel so stupid for telling the girl that I was just having an illusion with him.

But time has passed and I’ve moved on, I have forgiven him but most of all I have forgiven myself for being stupid for 2 years, that finally, I’ve come up to my senses that he didn’t love me, he just used me.

“When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut…. it will heal, but there will always be a scar.”

Myself

Maybe I’m just dreaming of a perfect relationship, a relationship that will last longer than I could ever imagine but then again I have to face reality. Here I am alone, writing about my feelings, outpouring all my ideas about LOVE. I am such a sucker for “and they live happily ever after” line for not only I’m thinking of what we called straight relationship but also my kind of relationship “gay relationship”.

When I was young I never thought that I’ll be able to experience this kind of complex emotion. I thought that this will just pass out of my system. Years have passed and now I’m doomed of longing of a real and perfect relationship. Failed relationship, broken promises, false hopes, these are some of the things that I never expected to happen for I know that I’m a good and in-loved person but then again, I came to realize that all of these are non sense unless you’ve tried it yourself, experienced it and survived it.