As of now

Right now I don’t know where I stand in his life. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just shut off this feeling, I wanted to look for someone else who will be there for me, and I wanted to kill this heart.

It is starting all over again, the same feelings, the same premonition that they just love me for materials things. They just love me for the things that I can give to them, but what about mine. I know love shouldn’t be selfish, that it’s better to give than to receive, but I also have needs, I wanted to have someone that will think that I am his everything, that I am special.

Queer as Folk - Country Manor

Justin : What changed your mind?
Brian : I finally think of one good reason
Justin : And what is that?
Brian : To prove to the person I love how much I love him , that I would give him anything, do anything , be anything, to make him happy.
Justin : You're fucking unbelievable, you bought this, you bought this palace.
Brian : Its for my prince. I also sold the loft and bar.
Justin: Without knowing my answer would be
Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.
Justin: You really meant it.
Brian: I've never meant anything more
Justin : Ok
Brian : Ok what
Justin : Lets do it
Brian : Say it.
Justin: Yes
Brian: Yes what
Justin: Yes I will marry you , I will marry you.
Brian and Justin kissed and hugged. Brian slightly took off his head.....
Justin: Don't tell me you're thinking twice.
Brian: Not one.
Brian and Justin made love full of emotions.

Queer as Folk - Bomb attack at Babylon

Brian took off from his car seeing lots people who were hurt by the incident ...while checking the site
Brian : Jennifer , Jennifer are you ok?
Jennifer (mom of Justin): Justin still inside, you gotta find him
Brian ran quickly inside the bombed Babylon

Brian shouted : Justin .... Justin

Brian seeing Ted : Ted , what the fucked happened here?
Ted: I don't know
Brian : Have you seen Justin ?
Ted: No.
Then someone from the other side is shouting and helping other people to get out of the place
Then Brian saw Justin - Hugged each other
Brian : Are you ok
Justin : Just slight bruised , Have you seen my mother.
Brian : Yeah she's outside looking for you.
Then Emmett came in
Emmett: Thank God you're Ok
Brian: Have you seen Michael
Justin : Emmett
Emmett: No.
They came out of Babylon seeing Michael badly hurt .. went to hospital while Justin stayed to help other victim.
Back to the love story of Brian and Justin and back at Babylon ... Brian returned to Babylon again to check out Justin............
Justin : Is Michael gonna be fine?
Brian : They don't know yet...
Brian hugged Justin....
Brian: The minute I knew it. I've been calling your cellphone but you didn't answer
Brian somehow crying and uttered the words " I was so fucking scared, all I can think was . ...PLEASE DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HIM"
Brian hugged Justin and whispered : "I LOVE YOU"
Justin was amazed . and Brian again said " I LOVE YOU"
Brian and Justin hugged and kissed.

Queer as Folk - US version

I must admit that I was somehow lost in the trend of gay stories, when I finally get the chance to watch Queer as Folk series, it help me realize that every human in this world is different and has different stories to tell.

I really admire the love story of Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor. For not it only shows the true meaning of patience but shows true love. True love really exists and evolves. I was struck by the lines of Justin to Brian that “we don’t need rings or vows just to prove that we love each other, because we did”. It made me somehow think that as long as you have each other, supporting each other's flaws, that both of you believed and destined to become one without sacrificing one's characteristics, then I guess nothing else is important.

Reality Check

I’m 28 years old and somehow happy. I have a boyfriend named Michael who is 3 years younger than I am. I met him in a bar while dancing hip hop together with his troop. The first time that we met was really awkward because it was just a tease to one of my friends that I like him. My friend immediately called the manager to let Michael sit with us. We exchanged names and of course I used a different name for I know that I won’t go back to that bar again. There was a KISS and had a time for small chitchats about ourselves. Before going home, we exchanged numbers not knowing that it will be a start of my new and second relationship.

I called him 3 days after I met him at the phone number he gave me. At first I was kind of nervous, feeling like a first timer calling a guy. We talked and he invited me on his birthday celebration on May 5, 2008, but his birthday was May 2, 2008. My response was “YES, I’ll go to your birthday party” without any hesitation at all.

I went to their house and I was grateful that I was accompanied by my friend since I might feel like a shy leaf since I’m totally new on his place and didn’t know everyone. Things happened real fast, when asked by my friend if we are already committed he just immediately answered yes and it’s up to me whether to accept or decline it. I don’t know if this kind of situation is true or not because I really don’t know him that well or maybe he was just drunk at that time. But for someone like me, someone who is in love with love, I would definitely say yes, who would refuse an attractive guy asking a gay man for a relationship.

I could say that I was really happy at that moment and contented with him. But here I am again feeling all alone in the relationship, feeling that I am being taken for granted for he knows how much I love him and I cannot deny the fact that I’m somewhat scared of losing someone again in my life.

“Why do people have to lose things to find out what they really mean?”

First Time

I remember the first time that I ever hooked up with someone, it was a total disaster not only that he was self centered but it was a mess having him in my life. This was a part of my life that I thought I would never survive but I did.

Someone asked me that I’m still having bitterness over him, still having this angst towards him, I would be lying to myself if I’m not. It has been a long time that after 21 years, a guy asked me to be with him, who would say no to that after those years I’ve waited.

At first, it was all nice and everything was in order as I’ve always wanted. Things ruined when he courted one of my girl friends, me not knowing that they were going steady while we were still on. I was in shocked and got very depressed of the situation of the guy choosing the girl instead of me. The guy made me feel so stupid for telling the girl that I was just having an illusion with him.

But time has passed and I’ve moved on, I have forgiven him but most of all I have forgiven myself for being stupid for 2 years, that finally, I’ve come up to my senses that he didn’t love me, he just used me.

“When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut…. it will heal, but there will always be a scar.”

Myself

Maybe I’m just dreaming of a perfect relationship, a relationship that will last longer than I could ever imagine but then again I have to face reality. Here I am alone, writing about my feelings, outpouring all my ideas about LOVE. I am such a sucker for “and they live happily ever after” line for not only I’m thinking of what we called straight relationship but also my kind of relationship “gay relationship”.

When I was young I never thought that I’ll be able to experience this kind of complex emotion. I thought that this will just pass out of my system. Years have passed and now I’m doomed of longing of a real and perfect relationship. Failed relationship, broken promises, false hopes, these are some of the things that I never expected to happen for I know that I’m a good and in-loved person but then again, I came to realize that all of these are non sense unless you’ve tried it yourself, experienced it and survived it.