Reborn

Saturday, August 20, 2011. I saw him because it was his nephew’s birthday. If you could remember me right saying a lot of times in my blog that it will be a hard time for us to go on in separate ways that is due to the fact that we share a lot of common friends and family.
Honestly, it was a great relief on my part, seeing him and having this casual conversation, even text messages, made me realized that we can be better off as friends. But at the back of my mind, this is the same person who got me death for two weeks.

But on the lighter side of everything, this experience made me a stronger person, a person who doesn’t depend on others just to be happy. I am thankful for this wonderful journey with him… 2 years… existence… death… reborn.

Moment of Truth

Two nights ago was the moment of truth…

Finally had spoken to him about my feelings, about my stand, about or almost everything that questioned my mind and my heart. Just to share what we have discussed:

Me: Gusto kong malaman ..tayo pa ba? Ako pa ba? Gusto kong malaman para alam ko kung nasan ako …Mahal mo ba ko …. Ako ba yun sinabihan mo ng I love you sa FB
J: HINDI
Me: May iba ka na ba? Hindi kita inaaway, gusto ko lang ng information
J: Meron, Jay ang name.mag 1 month na kami
Me: Anong nagustuhan mo sa kanya
J: May dimples
Me: Bakit di mo sinabi?
J: Ayoko kitang saktan, ayoko rin na Makita ka ng family ko na umiiyak
Me: Ano bang ayaw mo sakin? Dahil ganito ako?
J: YES

Those were some of our conversation… though short but it was really painful. I wanted numbness and just forget about it like it didn’t happen. My close friends would tell me to just release my emotions, cry like it would never end coz somehow it will relieve me from this hurt. Also advised me that every relationship has an end for the likes of us. Wanted to be positive as they say but one thing’s for sure I wanted to feel nothing, I want to become numb. I want to feel the pain; I want to torture myself with this kind of emotion. I wanted to compete.

All these and the 2 years we had, I think I won’t be able to move on. It hurts to think and feel that even if you made him you’re everything, still at the end, he/she will leave you…

Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see ...it isn't me...

Nang Makita Ka

I never expected that this day would come. It is so hard to just leave and not see you because we have common friends (Monday Group). A friend told me that you were the one insisting to call and text me so I can come.

Today I saw you...
Shiver down my spine...
I don't know what to do...
I don't know how to react...

Seeing you was merely giving me death... I was tortured...

I have always wanted to let you go. I was afraid that by seeing you again, it would rekindle the moment that we're still together.

Was advised to let go...to let HIM go... I was and going in tears... I knew this would happen.

We had drinks, we sung songs straight from the heart. We felt every line was for us...about us...

It's so hard... so painful...

I know I had to move on and set you free. I know it's killing me... I don't know how to end this... I still love you, I still care for you.

My feelings are non sense... I have to look forward and have a new life.. without you...

You'll always be someone....

The Best of Pampanga

July 15, 2011

It was a Friday night, when all of us (Luzil, Mark and I) decided to go to Mark’s hometown, Sta. Rita Pampanga. Not only we wanted to explore the place but it’s also a celebration of Mark’s regularization at work.

We left the office around 7pm and luckily caught a bus at Estrella, making it more convenient for us travel wise. Getting there was Php 130. It was roughly 10pm when we reached Sta. Rita but never got bored because of the alien movie karate we watched during the trip. It was hilarious yet corny. We bought some pork and chicken barbeque for our late dinner and ended up buying a bottle of Emperador Light in Ministop.

We reached Mark’s house and greeted Jojo (brother) and KC (brother’s girlfriend).
So here’s what happened:
Friday Night – Upon getting to his place, we ate Nilaga, barbeque and rice. And had some chitchats and drunk Emperador Light. Met Georgia and two little kittens which were adopted (yellow color) and picked from street (black color)
Saturday – We woke around 10am and did some grocery in the market. I committed myself to do the cooking stuff. My lists were: Chopsuey in Oyster sauce, Chicken with Mushroom/Peas Sauce, Tilapia. Sorry guys, I haven’t calculated my expenses for I don’t count my change. We didn’t cook the rest of the food because Mark’s kuya bought some food from fiesta. It was a sumptuous meal, Kaldereta, Chopsuey, Menudo, to name a few. After dinner, we had karaoke at their house until 4pm. After belting our hearts out during singing, we decided to go for a little swimming at Villa Alfredo Resort. Villa Alfredo resort is located Baliti, San Fernando Pampanga and for more details you may view them at http://www.villafredos.com/. It was around 9pm, we reached back home after fetching KC in Floridablanca, Pampanga. I cooked fried chicken with mushroom and peas sauce which was good for our dinner because some of us were really hungry by that time. You thought that we ended up sleeping after eating, but no, we still headed to Angeles, Pampanga for some enjoyable and happy music. We went to Wishing Well which was so a great place to unwind because the bar offers good music and voice from two bands which caters two different genres of music, one upbeat and the other is mellow. This was or this is my LIFE… Slept around 3:30pm after some
Sunday – woke up really late this time around, I think it was 11pm. Rushed to the kitchen to fry tilapia for our lunch. Had small talks and tease from Mark, anyways, had named him as Johnson, watched ASAP rocks, packed things and starting to get the feeling of going back to reality. Before leaving the house, we ate cassava cake which was so delectable; it just melts in your mouth. Bought some pasalubong, uraro (arrow cookies) , turones de kasoy, and ever famous chicharong may laman which costs around Php 130.

I guess it made us hard to leave such a memorable place who gave us wonderful time. We had lots of stops.
First Stop – Pasalubong and Ihiwan store. Mark’s girlfriend was craving for Chicharon, Chicken Ass.
Second Stop – San Guillermo Church in Bacolor. Upon seeing the sunken church caused by lahar, it was very inspiring to see how they rebuilt the church. Half of the church was covered with lahar when Mount Pinatubo erupted in 1991. The second serves to be the entrance now of the church, there were a lot of paintings, pictures of the old church, relics of saints, statues of Mama Mary and Jesus, paintings, and had known that this was the church used during tapings of Santino in May Bukas Pa. Truly religious at its work.
Third Stop – Razon’s Restaurant. We had to stop in here because of their delicious Halo Halo. It costs around Php 60 each. The price was cheap compared to the tasteful bliss of eating it. It feels like you are eating sherbet with sweet decadence.
Fourth Stop – Last but not the least Pampanga’s Best Store. Mark had to buy tocino for his team as a treat for them. Prices are very reasonable. For more information you can check them at http://www.pampangasbest.com.ph/

Though the trip was tiring, we definitely enjoyed ourselves, who would dare to say not… just kidding…

Bakit

Bakit ba pag nagmahal sobrang complicated, sobrang magulo at hindi maintindihan ang mga bagay bagay.

Bakit ba may masaya, may malungkot, may simula at hangganan....Bakit sa una, laging okay, laging swak ang mga pinag uusapan, walang pagtatalo...

Bakit ang sarap sarap ng feeling pag magkasama na kayong dalawa lang... pero sa bandang huli nagkakalabuan nang sa una nama'y laging nagkakaintindihan...

Bakit kaya may ending... Bakit kaya nabuo ang isang pag iibigan kung sa huli nama'y nagkakasakitan...

Bakit pa ba nagkatagpo... Bakit sya pa...

Bakit pa ba may pag ibig...

It's Over and Moving On

Before I start on, I want everyone to know that I have written this separately.

I can still remember our happy moments, as if the day would never end. Those small talks, hangouts, our love for our family and friends. I will always cherish and relinguish that special spark, wishing it would never stop... These are the things that made me hard to move on...

As they say time flies so fast but why can't I? It would be hypocrisy if I would say I had moved on, that I can tell the whole world... "the hell with it or not my loss".

But whatever and wherever he is...

Please say goodbye...
Please say it's over...
Please stop and go away...

It's been weeks and finally came to my senses without any doubt that I have this courage to leave him and strength to move on. The question now that boogles me "Is this really happening or I am just suppressing just to cover up my feelings"

But none of these answered or even question my decision....I was very happy with what I made. Finally I can shout out loud"Hey I'm GREAT"

Two Years.... Made him my King... My Everything ... My Love... My Life...

Back to Writing

Here I go again as I write another chapter in my life. I'm 30 and single. The same thing happens everyday... I go to work, eat, sleep, drink and fall in love.

Not usually that I encounter love but this time I did. How could someone not fall in love with a guy who is close to you, who is very sweet and almost know the inside of yourself "my heart"...

As the song goes " it starts with one hello" ... there he was standing in front of me. As I saw him in the hallways I always knew that I will have a certain connection with this guy. and I'm proud to say "I'm in love with him", really does the saying goes "love comes in unexpected way".

At first I never thought that along the way I was falling ...falling in the sense that I wanted to see him everyday, wanted to hear his voice, wanted to share stories with him and share deep dark secrets.

But I guess the song has to end and so am I.

Regine Velasquez: Low Key Album

After two months of listening, I am writing about my feelings towards the latest album of Regine. I have always been an avid fan of the Asia's songbird and I am so glad that she mellowed a lot when it comes to singing. The CD has 18 tracks which include one christmas song, the album has two discs, one for audio and the other one is a minus one.

I have 4 tracks that I like a lot not because she sang it beautifully but because the lyrics really touched my heart.

1. Tell me that you love me - Not because Akihiro Sato is present in the music video but because the words are really nice. Its like you are longing for the one you love. You want to know that you are secured with his love knowing that the other half is there waiting for you.

2. I'd rather leave while I'm in love - I guess break ups are really part of a relationship, but as far as this song is concern, a person left his/her partner with joyful memories and doesn't want to have a devastating break up that he/she will be regretting for the rest of his/her life.

3. I never dreamed someone like you could love someone like me - I really love this song. Its an ecstatic feeling for not knowing that a person you subconsciously know is falling in love with you. It feels like you are so much loved by a person.

4. No walls, No ceilings, No floors - Unconditional song for Unconditional Love.

The rest of the songs are also good to hear. You can almost relate yourself with the lyrics.

Puerto Galera

With so much excitement and anticipation, I finally reached my destination, Puerto Galera. February 14, 2009 Valentines Day.

Its a gloomy Saturday morning when I joined Rowel and his team friends to a trip to Galera. I have taken two Dizitabs to avoid dizziness during the trip. We arrived at Batangas Pier around 7 AM and took the RORO ferry around 7:30 AM.

As a first timer to ride a ferry, I felt nervous. After one and half hour of riding the RORO, we have reached White Beach in Puerto Galera. I was shocked with the establisments opened in the vicinity, it has been very commercialized already. Its like you went to Malate, the difference its on a beach.

We reside at Peter's Inn and restaurant. The cost is very cheap and and acommodating, the place is big. Food is also cheap and you can check a lot of variety of food and restaurants in the area. For our lunch we had a Set B meal which includes eggplant with fishpaste, liempo, chicken, tilapia and sinigang na baboy with rice. (php 499.00 good for 3-6 person) Good thing about it we had a discount also for food.

There were a lot of vendors around selling souvenir items and food in Galera. Went to swim with friends, but left them early.

During the night, we went to see gay impersonation/lipsynch performances, which is very entertaining. I had pork kebab (php 100) and an extra rice (php15) for dinner and a vodka sprite (php 100) for my liquor.

Nature called me to sleep.. I slept at 11 pm and woke up the next day around 9:30am.

Breakfast at Peter's restaurant: I had a Hotsilog meal (php90), smoked couple of cigarettes. and then headed to have a shower.

We went off the shore around 2:00 pm and got in the pier around 4:30pm. Finally we went home.

I was disappointed with Galera and I just can't help it but compare it to Bolinao. I guess I have been expecting a lot from the place since its my first time. But the feeling of having been there was a thrilling part.

Red Kimono / Painted Red

I went to SM Megamall to have some food tripping and shopping with my friends (Norms, Roy and Charlotte). We went to Atrium of SM, they have renovated a side in the mall wherein you can check and dine in to a lot of newly opened restaurants depending on your taste buds.

Since all of us are craving for Japanese food, we went to Red Kimono / Painted Red restaurant. What was so fascinating about the restaurant is that you might think that its a two different resto but its actually one. If you are craving for Japanese you may go inside Red Kimono, if you opt for American side then it will be the Painted Red. Before you go in, you can check their menu and price at the entrance, seems affordable and tasty. We ordered Miso soup, Chicken Bento, California Maki, Futo Maki, Ebi Sushi, Chicken Finger BLT, Virgin colada, Melon shake.

Let me share my thoughts on the food I tasted....
For Red Kimono...

*Chicken Bento (php220) - I ordered this thinking that it might have a different taste from the other resto that caters the same food. The taste doesn't differ from Tokyo Tokyo. When you order this, it has some veggies and chocolate balls. Its a good thing that it has chocolate ball.. I'm loving the taste of it, for its not too sweet . The ball is a like soften pastillas in a chocolate flavor wrapped in coconut grates.
*Ebi Sushi (php 100) - I have been craving for ebi sushi, there are 2 pieces in one order for the price of 100. WATCH OUT .... the wasabi is inside the ebi.
*California Maki and Futo Maki (php 100 to 140)-- I love it !!
*Virgin Colada (php 140) - I don't know but I'm hating this drink. Good thing that its not alcoholic, but it will leave you taste that you won't forget. We have asked whats inside the drink, it has COCO milk/juice blended with pineapple and sugar.

For Painted Red...
*Chicken Finger BLT (php 260)- I never tasted the whole package except for the fries, I thought its yummy but its too salty.

Overall, I don't know if its their dry run in SM Megamall but I will only give them 2 spoons for their food, but the service, crew was so accomodating and they will attend to your needs quickly.

Food Tripping

I'll be writing some of my food and restaurant critics. My taste may not be your taste..... so ENJOY !! and Happy Eating !!

GlamRock 2008

It was another fantastic Christmas party at Chase. The theme was GLAMROCK, so I decided to be at the edge of it or even higher to what is expected. I don't know what will be their reaction upon seeing my whole ensemble. Anyway, it was a big success, my friends and I decided not to go on with the common looks, we were excited and obviously very happy with the outcome.

Who I'd like to meet ....

I wish I had someone that loved me Someone that would miss me If I disappeared. That would mean everything. But that person doesn't exist. If they do, I'd love to meet them. They would be one in a million. They would always mean something to me

About me...

Am I so naive That I wouldn't realize I was falling in love With you? I spend sleepless nights Thinking of you And wonder why We are not together. I love you... Or am I too naive To understand What love is? All I know Is that you confuse me. You turn me upside-down. You make me feel inside out. It scares me To feel this naked. I feel exposed Around you. You're not like Everyone else You don't settle For a cheap facade. Am I so naive That it has taken me This long to realize How deeply you've touched me?

Two Christmases ago

Finally, after two Christmases I have seen him again... I don't know if its coincidence but I guess its called Destiny.

I met him December 2006, before Christmas, he was introduced to me by one of my friends. At first, I was cool and excited because he was good looking. We dated a couple of times but I was disappointed because he was lavishly asking for material things.

For someone like me, who is always considering the matters of the heart than the urge of the body, I gave in easily not asking for anything in return except for LOVE. But we stopped dating, thanks to Globe Simcard, it got blocked.

Then came in fourth Saturday of July 2008, I saw him again. I felt the same thing the first time I saw him. But he did not change, he was still the same old person, same thinking with gays.

I am happy but empty inside....

Is it over?

Where is he? Is it really over for the two of us?

I have been constantly texting and calling him but still no response, even a simple text that we are over. I'm just here , left hanging, no closure. I wish I was a robot or had this time machine where I can use so I can easily move on. But I guess I'm just a human being that needs to deal with this kind of pain. Every teardrop that I cry , every aches of my heart, reminds me that I'm alone again.....

Hold me in your arms

The morning sunlight, moves gently on our bed Sounds of distant traffic, float into my head Eyes slowly open and words won't be enough But what is left unspoken burns softly in your touch

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

Time moves without us, this room will be untouched We're safe beneath the truth now Both safe within this love

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

And oh the heart in me Feels more than you can see I can't get close enough Every single day, is ours to feel this way I can't get close enough, never close enough ...

So hold me in your arms Hold me in your arms So my love, hold me in your arms

Sacrifice

Someone told me that I have never loved him that much, that I never exerted effort, which I easily gave up not fighting for my feelings. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but surely it hit me.

“It’s better to have nobody than somebody who is half mine, half there or doesn’t want to be there, or is there and then suddenly disappears. The only people that I need in my life are the ones who prove that they need me in theirs too.”

I came to realize that I love him so much. But I don’t want to fight alone.

“Sometimes, I think I'm part of someone else life. I share things with them, spend time with them, and gather good or perhaps great memories with them, then suddenly they will show you that no matter how much you want them to be part of you, it cannot happen. Inspite of what you’ve been thru together, you’ll realize that you’re still strangers. As you always have been…..

As of now

Right now I don’t know where I stand in his life. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just shut off this feeling, I wanted to look for someone else who will be there for me, and I wanted to kill this heart.

It is starting all over again, the same feelings, the same premonition that they just love me for materials things. They just love me for the things that I can give to them, but what about mine. I know love shouldn’t be selfish, that it’s better to give than to receive, but I also have needs, I wanted to have someone that will think that I am his everything, that I am special.

Queer as Folk - Country Manor

Justin : What changed your mind?
Brian : I finally think of one good reason
Justin : And what is that?
Brian : To prove to the person I love how much I love him , that I would give him anything, do anything , be anything, to make him happy.
Justin : You're fucking unbelievable, you bought this, you bought this palace.
Brian : Its for my prince. I also sold the loft and bar.
Justin: Without knowing my answer would be
Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.
Justin: You really meant it.
Brian: I've never meant anything more
Justin : Ok
Brian : Ok what
Justin : Lets do it
Brian : Say it.
Justin: Yes
Brian: Yes what
Justin: Yes I will marry you , I will marry you.
Brian and Justin kissed and hugged. Brian slightly took off his head.....
Justin: Don't tell me you're thinking twice.
Brian: Not one.
Brian and Justin made love full of emotions.